Friday, August 28, 2015

My white picket fence is gone, but replaced with Chain link fence....

August causes me to do reflect upon my life and I’m sure it’s because of many milestones in my life during that month.  I actually started this post August 1, I would read it, pray for God’s guidance and make changes.     

I remember as a little girl my dream was that prince charming would come riding up on a white horse, rescue me (not sure from what), we would live happily, married ever after, have 1 boy and 1 girl, cute little corner house with a white picket fence.  I’m sure I watched too many cartoons.   

I can say with all honesty today, my white picket fence is gone.  I am embarking upon the grand age of 50 as a divorced mom, a son with significant medical/developmental needs. 

It was on August 9, 16 years ago that I started my journey of first becoming mom, that switched quickly to a mom of a sick child.  I hated our 11 days in the NICU, it was day after day of bad news, he won’t walk, never talk, be deaf, blind and cognitively disabled.  There were so many “worse” days, but the day we found out about his heart was the “worse day” my 6 day old son.  My focus quickly switched to will he survive?  The first year of multiple testing, few new diagnoses, the heart Cath and then major open heart surgery.  It was actually September 2000 before I think we could classify Jeremy as stable.  Then in August of 2010, his first major spine surgery, that didn’t go well and also that year I started my journey as a single mom.         

I reflect back, spent time afraid, afraid of being alone, afraid God was going to take Jeremy.  There were many times I would cry out and yes question God why? Why is this happening?  I knew in my heart God has a plan & a reason.  I didn’t doubt God nor his plan, but I deserved an answer. 

It has been a road of hard knocks for me, some lessons were not learned the first time, some were harder than others, some were very painful, some I wasn’t sure I would recover let alone Jeremy.    There were many moments down on my knees when all I could do was look up to God and not utter a word but cry tears.   

I can say today with great joy and confidence, there is absolutely a reason, but (I always hated to hear the word but) I WILL NOT always understand the reason nor the plan, but again that is ok, because I have learned I don’t have to.  I believe Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope”  it says nothing about MY dreams, but again that is ok because as I have learned along the way, I want my dreams to be in line with the plan God has for my life.  I totally trust the GOD who created the plan for my life and Jeremy’s.   

Do I deserve an answer?  Honestly, I deserve to die and go to hell, to be separated for all eternity from God, but because of GOD’s mercy, what he did on that cross, suffered a death that even if I could have done it, would have all been in vain because I’m a sinner and needed his grace to save me.  God owes me nothing, he paid the ultimate price for my soul and I owe him everything because he’s given me a future beyond this world and hope beyond this world. 

Today, in Jeremy World, along with Mulley the cat, we have a chain link fence and I am good with that…