For all I know the plans...

My life has been all about plans for the past year, there have been the plans for Jeremy's future, plans for the surgery, plans for my day and our lives. I was first upset when I found out that the surgery could not be done until August, I wanted to get it done in June so Jeremy would have the summer to recover. I didn't want him to spend his birthday in the hospital recovering from surgery, I didn't want him to miss school. I thought well this way doing it in August he will get to enjoy 2 months of his summer. Jeremy is having an AWESOME, fun summer, he is maturing, learning to be social having fun, he has been humming the song about the speckled frogs for days, he is telling us when he needs to potty, sitting on the potty, doing some on the potty and he is learning. The HTS sent me some pictures of Jeremy playing at the splash pad we have in Sapulpa, last year Jeremy could care less about it, but today he had some friends there so that made a difference. These pictures humbled me, I started thinking, "I don't know how GOD can stand me let alone love me like he does", because he had the plan, he had Dr. Dan picked out, he had the surgery dates picked out, he had the plan it was never me making plans. Jeremiah 29:11 has been one of my favorite verses for a long time, "for I know the plans I have for you , "declares the Lord", plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then on to verse 12, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.". Verse 13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your heart."

I am a mom of a son who has special medical/developmental needs, I am a mom who LOVES my son so much it hurts sometimes. I struggle with any surgery Jeremy has. If you are a parent whose children are healthy, never really been sick, hurt, had surgery you will probably think that, "how can she think that way?" and probably not understand where I'm coming from. If you are a parent of a child with special needs, you know exactly what I'm talking about, the fears and the reality that presents itself, sometimes daily, weekly, monthly or occasionally. You might even shed a tear for your own child, for me. If you are a parent who has lost a child, you have lived and are living my biggest fear in the world and believe me when I say, "my hearts breaks for you all the time." My biggest fear this is going to be a major surgery for Jeremy, next to his open heart surgery, "is this the surgery Jeremy won't survive? is GOD going to take him away from me? I don't dwell on these thoughts, I know Satan places these but they are there sometimes dominant, sometimes active but it's the reality that I live with. The surgery getting closer they tend to rise to the surface. The biggest part of the ordeal is, I don't know why GOD tolerates me, why he puts up with me, let alone love me enough to die for me. I don't know God's plans for my life or for Jeremy, I don't know what the future holds other than I am a Christian, my heart belongs to GOD and there will come the day that I will be in heaven with him. I must trust him, that is where my faith comes in, and seek him, he will be found....