Trying to make sense...

It was 9 days ago we were discharged from the University of Missouri Children's hospital after our 31 day impatient stay and we began our 6 hour journey back to our home in Oklahoma but more so another journey of a season of change.  It has been a week of adjustments for us, I had to adjust to going back to work, using my brain, I was able to help several families find resources, Jeremy adjusted to going back to school, we adjusted to meeting a new doctor, we are adjusting to the fact that Jeremy isn't mobile, we are adjusting to the fact that Jeremy can't urinate on his own, I'm making adjustments to the fact that Jeremy is different than when we left home on January 11.  I pray fervently that this is just a season and had so hoped that this spine surgery would be different, he could tolerate it, but this one proved to be tougher and affected his bladder.

These are the moments that I struggle for this to make sense, seek deep down, pour my heart out to GOD, why does it seem like Jeremy has to keep overcoming so many obstacles time after time?  He has always overcame obstacles and came back even stronger but it doesn't seem fair.  I never since becoming J's mom prayed for GOD to give me what the world viewed him as a "normal" child, I love Jeremy for who he is, he teaches me daily, I have grown in so many ways from being his mom and I LOVE my son.  God created him.  J worked so hard to walk, he didn't walk until he was 5 years old and last summer he had to learn to walk all over again.  I love him having that freedom and didn't want his walking to be taken away from him.      

Jeremy and I went back to church today for the first time in 6 weeks and it was nice to worship GOD in music and sit under the preaching of God's word.  It didn't seem like our home church was 6 hours away when we were impatient, we were flooded with cards, pictures of the kids in Sunday school class, text, emails, facebook post and messages on my mobile phone.  I always felt close to them.  Today was no different, we were greeted with many people who love God and love Jeremy and I.  They pray faithfully for him, me and Dr. Dan.  J was given a, "Welcome Home" poster from the younger children Sunday school class and the kids all came by to say, "hi Jeremy".  Jeremy just smiled.  I was touched that the church gave me check to help with our expenses.

I've struggled with the, did I not pray enough? was my faith not strong enough? was I not seeking God?  was perhaps making the decision to ask Jeremy's dad to leave the wrong decision?   I don't know how people who don't have GOD in their life makes it, the one thing I have is hope in GOD.  If it proves that J isn't going to walk, I just have to trust God, if it proves that his bladder won't work, I just have to trust God.  The message out of Isaiah 53, "He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and like one from whom men hide their face he was despised, and we did not esteem him".